I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
