If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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