Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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