The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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