Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
