woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
