Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
