Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
