i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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