lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
