I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
