hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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