so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize