i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
