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Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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