dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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