and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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