I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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