I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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