Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
This is the high leading the old right now
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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