I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
