Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
