I just saw a hot homeless man
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I am full of burrito and curiosity
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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