I just made out with a guy for $7.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
