I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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