Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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