i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
