What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm having to shit out rocks
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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