omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
