I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
