i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
