I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
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