so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize