Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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