So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
