I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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