I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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