I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
