she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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