she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
