I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
