there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Dick very happy bro
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
