I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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