I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize