seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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