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Pants 0. Shit 1.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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