she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
