2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
