you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
