I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
