It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
