Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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