wakey wakey hands off snakey
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
