sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
