You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
