SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's shark week go big or go home
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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