so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
