If i come over, it means nothing
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
