I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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