He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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